Timmy Bighands: Won't settle for anything except a satin pillow for his chafed >:-#.

Henry The Wonder Dog: He's a dog! As Kinky Friedman always says, "you can buy a dog but only love can make him wag his tail."

The Pilot - Part III

Wade <joining Quinn in the service bay as he turns on computers> : "Hey, I scored those hockey tickets."

TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : Hockey?????? What's the matter, the tractor pull was already sold out?

Quinn: Great.

HTWD: Translation: "Then why don't you call up Kevin Smith, who might actually give a flying rat's >:-#?"

Wade: My old boyfriend has connections.

SL4: Adam West has more connections if all he could score was smegging hockey!

HTWD: Actually, Adam's gonna be in a new series this fall. >:-#, I'm just a dog and I knew that!

SL4: Just wait'll I get a chance to blow one of your riffs.

Wade <trying and failing utterly to be casual> : I can't believe he actually got jealous. He thinks I'm going on some hot date... Funny, huh?

SL4: Give it up, honey. You could rip your top off and he'd say, "You're right, it IS hot in here. Lemme adjust the thermostat."

Quinn: "Maybe you can answer this."

TBH: <mimicking Wade> : Sure! I'd love to share a hot tub with you! Oh wait, maybe I better let you ask the question first.

Quinn: "Why do people spend so much energy on the wrong person?"

HTWD: Oh, the irony couldn't be thicker right now.

Wade: "Must be some girl. They're the only equation you can't figure out."

SL4: No doubt. The Pope has more of a clue about women than this guy.

Quinn: "You think you're so smart."

HTWD: Coming from the God of thinking he's so smart, this is actually a compliment.

Wade: "Not around you, I don't. I barely got through that book you lent me last week."

TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : That reminds me, Stephen Hawking needs it back, so cough it up.

Wade: "What is it with you and biographies?"

SL4: If they don't convince you I'm not interested I'm going to loan you "The Diary of Barney Frank."

Quinn <shrugs> : "They give me perspective. Something my Dad said you can't get without living."

TBH: Okay, OKAY. We GET IT. You had a father and now he's taking a dirt nap! Enough with the set-up already!

Voice offscreen: "Wade!"

HTWD: The producers are on the phone! They wanna know why you have a boy's name!

Wade: "Watch it. Computer Boy's on the warpath."

SL4: If this wasn't PG, his name would be C-

HTWD: Watch it, this is a PG MSTing!

SL4: -r Boy instead of Computer Boy.

Hurley (AKA CB) <sticking head in> : "Ah Mallory. How good of you to join us."

TBH: Why is he talking like a James Bond villain? Ah, Mr. Bond! How good of you to drop by! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

Hurley: "And only nine minutes late this time."

TBH: One more minute and I would have had no choice but to spraypaint your entire body gold! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Hurley: "Will wonders never cease?"

HTWD: After Quinn wins his 10th consecutive Nobel Prize for inventing an ENTIRE NEW FIELD of science, this guy is just going to have to shoot himself.

SL4: There'll be pictures of Quinn all over this store. Quinn in the service bay, hands in a dismantled computer. Press clippings bronzed and displayed prominently. The whole nine yards.

Hurley <glaring at Wade> : "Twenty thousand dollars just walked out the door!"

TBH: Buddy, if you're seeing large sums of walking money then it's time to stop mixing grape Kool Aid with grape Gatorade.

Wade: "So... next month they'll spend fifty the on 680s --"

HTWD: That makes too much sense. You're FIRED!

<Hurley silences her with a dirty look>

Wade <cringing and then muttering> : "Delete, delete, delete."

SL4: Morale, deleted. Desire to do anything to help you make more money, deleted. Any reservations about stabbing you in the back the first chance I get, deleted.

Quinn: "She's right, Michael. I told you not to order those things."

HTWD: You'd think you would have learned you lesson the time I warned you not to order 10,000 Harsh Realm posters.

Quinn: "Every single hard drive has crashed."

TBH: And this was BEFORE Windows 98 came out! Wow!

Hurley: "Don't start with me. Computer Boy pays your rent, mister."

SL4: You are WRONG, nerd! I don't pay rent, I mooch off my mother!

Hurley: "If it weren't for my mistakes you'd be out of a job!"

HTWD: Come again? Could you put your brain back in and say that one more time?

<Quinn and Wade share a confused look as Hurley leaves>

SL4: I'm with them, that made about as much sense as a stuttering mute on Novocain.

<later, outside Quinn's house, he pulls up and gets out>

TBH: Ah, home at last. I should be able to get in two hours of downloading Swiss porn before Mom comes home.

<he opens the squeaky gate and walks towards the house>

HTWD: Aw man! I just remembered I left the vortex open! And Kromaggs aren't toilet trained! I'm gonna be up all night cleaning the floor!

<Quinn makes a beeline for the basement. His cat Schrödinger is on his heels.>

SL4: His cat is named Schrödinger? Didn't Erwin Schrödinger say he was sorry he ever had anything to do with Quantum Physics?

HTWD: Your wishes are only respected for 35 years after your death. It's a law.

Miss Mallory <noticing Quinn pass by without saying anything> : "Don't I even get a hello?"

TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : There's a lot of other words you don't get, Mom. "Solipsism." "Neutrinos." "Mendicant." Need I go on?

Quinn: "Hi. I didn't see you."

HTWD: Maybe you need your eyes checked. I noticed you also didn't see the five foot high "LEAVE RENT MONEY ON THE TABLE" sign I put on the front door.

MM: "How was your day?"

SL4: I'm sure that the day Olivia Newton John was served divorce papers and informed she had breast cancer within an hour of each other was worse, but only barely. How about you?

Quinn: "You know, same old same old. Listen, um, I've got some things to do."

HTWD: Yeah, screw you for caring about how my day went, Mom!

MM: "In the basement, I know."

SL4: She really does know. She discovered his Hot Wheels track down there last week while cleaning up.

MM: "Go. I'll call you for dinner."

TBH: Is she a great Mom or what? Get the food on the table in a timely fashion and stay the >:-# out of my face! No wonder he ignores Wade. With a deal THIS sweet, he'll never get married!