<The Sliders are at the rebel base, where the rebels are packing up to move.>SL4: I keep expecting Marc Singer to show up any second.
<The Sliders are walking with Doc, Pat, and a somber Wilkins.> Doc: "The bullet's lodged against her shoulder blades."
HTWD: I'll bet it paid a lot of money for such fine lodging.
Doc: "We've stopped the bleeding. And luckily there's no organ damage."
TBH: Too bad, organs are the worst musical invention since some moron looked at a stomach bladder and thought up the bagpipe.
Doc: "Commander Welles is a very strong woman."
SL4: She wins the bench press competition every year. It's embarassing, really.
Doc: "We expect a complete recovery."
HTWD: What other kind of recovery is there, pray tell? Either you recover or you don't!
Pat: "This raid has given us a tremendous shot in the arm."
TBH: Technically it was a shot in the shoulder blade, but why be picky?
Pat: "Word will spread across the country; it may give others the spirit to keep fighting."
SL4: Or it may piss off the Soviets so much they send a crack KGB team in here to wipe us out. We just don't know.
Wilkins: "Thanks to what you've told us of your world, we know they can be defeated. You've given us hope again."
HTWD: I hate to rain on your parade, but they were defeated on our world because we stood up to them and China in 1950, which you yellow bellies didn't do.
Wilkins <leaning forward and kissing Wade's cheek> : "Good luck. I hope you make it home."
TBH: Yeah, right. We KNOW what you're hoping and it involves both Wades.
<Arturo and Quinn are huddled over the timer as Wade approaches.> Arturo: "Okay, let's close 'er up."
SL4: Sure, hide the insides before Wade comes so she can't see that it's just a remote control.
Quinn: "I sure hope your computations are correct."
HTWD: My computations are ALWAYS correct, you blistering idiot!
Arturo: "I beg your pardon."
TBH: I had radishes, cabbage, and beans for dinner. So, as I said, I beg your pardon.
Arturo: "You know, Mr. Mallory, there was an entire life before computers."
SL4: And it was as boring as smeg. "Kick the Can" was about as exciting as it got.
Arturo: "When we did our work the old fashion way."
HTWD: We used graduate students.
Arturo <pulling out a slide rule> : "Ever seen one of these? It's called a slide rule."
TBH: And the Slide Rule is "he who invents Sliding is allowed to ask you if your computations are correct." When YOU invent Sliding, you can be arrogant about it.
Quinn: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to doubt you."
SL4: I DO doubt you, I'm just saying that I didn't mean to.
Quinn: "So with these settings..."
Arturo: "I believe the odds of getting home will be greater if we return to the exact point of arrival."
HTWD: Oh yeah, that'll make all the difference. The odds of you getting home are only slightly better than the odds of Arturo being raped by a rabid squirrel wearing a Colts hat while Arturo is on his way to the park to Slide.
Quinn: "Golden Gate Park."
TBH: Nah, it's called Redden Gate Park on this world.
Arturo: "Precisely."
TBH: <mimicking Arturo muttering under his breath> : And even if I'm wrong about being in the park bettering the odds, this gives me another go with the hot dog vendor there. Hee hee.
<Scene change. The Sliders are walking across town to the park. There is no sign of any Soviets.>
SL4: There was just a raid on the Soviet prison but no Soviets feel an urge to patrol the streets?
Quinn: "We have no way to verify the condition of the timer. Assuming the Professor's calculations are correct..."
TBH: <mimicking Arturo> : You just HAVE to keep taking shots at my mathematical ability, don't you???
Quinn: "... and allowing for minimum deviation..."
HTWD: We should land on a world where dogs rule! RUFF RUFF!! Of course, dogs rule ANYway...
Remmy: "Quit talking like a brain and say something a normal man can understand."
SL4: Assuming a normal man is a third grade dropout, that is. I didn't have any trouble following what he said.
Remmy: "You gonna get us outta here or what?"
HTWD: Off this world? Sure. No problem, dude!
Quinn: "Just keep your fingers crossed."
TBH: Keep them double crossed if you're Logan.
SL4: <glaring> : That was all you had???? >:-#
TBH: Hey, you come up with something better for that line! I challenge the audience to come up with something better for that line!
SL4: Oh, do smeg off.
<Suddenly a man in a trenchcoat steps from around a corner, shining a flashlight in the Sliders' eyes.>
HTWD: Oh, don't start guarding now!!!
Trenchcoat: "You're in violation of curfew. Show me your papers, now."
TBH: Dude! The Matrix is sooo last year! Trenchcoats are out! Worry about that before you worry about papers!
Wade: "I don't have time for this!"
SL4: Ben and Jerry's closes in five minutes, you pond scum!!!
<Wade kicks the man in the groin. He goes down like the Titanic.>
HTWD: GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!
TBH: Ouch. That'll ruin your whole day!
Remmy: "No papers here, Jack. But I'll show you my fingerprints." <Remmy hits the rising man with an uppercut that lays him out again.>
SL4: Technically, that was showing him your knuckle prints, but he's beyond worrying about semantics.
Quinn <looking at Wade> : "You're just full of surprises, aren't you?"
HTWD: Just don't piss her off and you'll be able to sire children some day, sport.
Wade: "I guess my double's shown me my untapped potential."
TBH: All she's shown you is that she can get captured, pulled away from her lover and protector by someone she's never seen before, and shot. Not much potential there.
<The Sliders start running as Trench-boy starts blowing his whistle.>
SL4: I guess it was too much to ask that he'd have a cell phone or radio with him. Whistles are still in, eh?
Quinn: "Here goes nothing."
HTWD: Which is exactly what's happened in this movie so far, nothing.
<Quinn activates the timer and the vortex forms.>
TBH: And now they get away scot-free. I'd love to be able to muck around in other people's business with no possibility of any of them being able to get me back for it.
SL4: Who needs another Jerry Springer?
Voices in the distance: "There they are! Get them!!"
HTWD: If you run up to "get them" all you're going to get is tired. They're outta here!
Wade <as vortex slowly forms> : "Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, Quinn."
TBH: What is she, a parrot? Er-ack! Wadey wants a cracker!
Arturo: "More power, Mr. Mallory!"
SL4: <bogus Scottish accent> : I canna give you more power, that's all she has!
Quinn: "Okay, do it!"
HTWD: Yeah, let's bust a Sliding move here! Whatcha waitin' for, homeslice?
<The Sliders leap into the vortex as the first pursuers arrive.>
TBH: <Russian accent> : I didn't just see that! Hey Slavia, what'd you put in our Vodka ice cream tonight?
<On the other side the Sliders rise cautiously to their feet. They look around warily.>
SL4: They're afraid that this will be a world where Remmy's outrageous suit is against the law.
<The Sliders approach the statue from behind. They are hesitant and nervous.>
HTWD: Oh relax, the worst it can be after Lenin is Art Garfunkel.
<The statue is revealed to be Lincoln again.>
Arturo: "Oh thank God."
TBH: <mimicking Charlton Heston> : You're welcome.
<Just beyond Lincoln they spot Crazy Kenny sleeping on the ground.>
Quinn <grateful that he is back to his old crazy self, drops a couple bills on the ground next to him.> : "Good to see you again, man."
SL4: I'd save the handouts until I see if Elvis is alive and playing this week, Quinn. It's a little early to get too excited. You haven't even seen the Golden Gate Bridge yet.
<The Sliders hail a cab and pile in. Remmy sees the driver and screams.>
HTWD: What? Is it Princess Diana's last driver or something?
Wade: "What is it Rembrandt? What's wrong?"
TBH: Nothing. I just sat on my sack. No biggie.
Remmy <pointing to the driver with a shaky finger> : "That's the guy that turned me in!"
SL4: I've heard of the sins of the father being visited on someone, but the sins of the double?
Pavel: "Are you okay, my friend?"
HTWD: Sure. And I'll continue to be okay as long as I don't turn my back on you.
Remmy: "Don't you know me?"
TBH: He just doesn't get it yet, does he? He has a long way to go before becoming the old seasoned Sliders veteran of Season 5.
Pavel: "Yes! Yes! I do know you!"
SL4: You're the man who got into my cab drunk last week and asked if I had room in the front seat for a pizza and a six pack of beer. When I said "yes," you threw up in the front seat.
Remmy <reaching for the door handle> : "Let me out!"
HTWD: It's easy to forget how much of a weenie Remmy was in Season 1.
Pavel: "Spinning Topps! You is Crying Man, no?"
TBH: Oh please. If you can show me ONE 50 year old Russian immigrant who can pick JAMES Brown, to say nothing of Rembrandt Brown, out of a lineup ... I'll kiss Marge Schott in the mouth and lick the back of her throat!
Remmy <jerking his hand from the car door and using it to smooth his hair> : "Why yes, my good fellow. I am The Crying Man."
SL4: So, in summary, the only Slider without a Cher-sized ego is Wade and even she's getting big-headed since she meet her double, Rambo-ina.
Pavel: "You great. Have all your record. Big price on black market for Topps."
HTWD: You mean people got music illegally BEFORE Napster???? No way!!!
Remmy: "That settles it. We're home."
TBH: The only thing it settles is that Pavel has incredibly bad taste in music, he doesn't like making words plural, and he's a black market trader.
Pavel: "I am here 8 years now and still think I'm dreaming. Greatest country on Earth!"
SL4: Personally, I think the Isle of Lesbos was the greatest country in the history of Earth, but you're just talking about modern times ... so okay.
<The car stops at Quinn's house. Remmy gives the cabbie a massive tip.> : "Do svedanya."
HTWD: Nope, I don't do drugs. Thanks anyway.
Remmy: "Arrivederci."
TBH: If these people don't start speaking strictly English I'm going to sic Slider_Sarah on them and make them look like fools!
Quinn <leading them to his yard> : "This gate's been squeaking since I was 12."
SL4: If you weren't so busy bashing people with baseball bats back then, maybe you could have taken care of that!
<Quinn grabs the gate and moves it. It squeaks like a badly played clarinet.>
HTWD: Well! They're definitely home then!
<The Sliders hug each other expect for Quinn, who is reserved.> Remmy: "I'm gonna kill this guy. What now?"
TBH: There was a bug squashed on the sidewalk exactly three paces from the front door. Dare we look???
Quinn <holding up his front door key> : "Will this open the front door?"
SL4: A larger question, how many more of these tedious tests are we going to have to endure before we get to glasses shattering on floors?
Remmy: "Aw man, don't do this to me!"
HTWD: I'm with you. Let's bumrush him and shove that key up his-
<Quinn slides the key into the lock and turns it, opening the door.>
SL4: D'oh! It was already unlocked! Sorry guys, never mind.
<Inside, Mrs. Mallory comes to great them> : "Quinn. Oh thank God, I was so worried."
TBH: <mimicking Mrs. Mallory> : "Did you score the 8-ball? Another hour and I would have gone out of my mind!" <mimicking Quinn> "Um, we're not home guys."
MM: "Honestly, I almost called the police. You spend so much time in that damn basement I never know when you're home or not."
SL4: How about checking the door to see if the lights are on down there?
HTWD: Or listening for vortices opening?
MM: "Where have you been?"
TBH: I've gotten in touch with my sexuality, momma. So I've been in the ocean the past two days. I don't think you want any further details.
Quinn: "It's a long story mom."
HTWD: It's gonna be a longer butt whuppin' if you don't tell me, young man!
MM: "Perhaps you and your friends would care to share it over dinner."
TBH: News flash, Auntie Em. When someone says "it's a long story" they really mean "I have no intention of telling you the first smegging thing about it!"
MM: "I'm making your favorite."
SL4: I've been gutting this yak for the past four days, so you'd better be hungry!
Quinn: "Mom, what's my favorite?"
HTWD: Not ANOTHER test! What's next? Checking his sock drawer to see if the 65 latest issues of Swank are in chronological order?
MM: "Why, lambchops and Rice-a-Roni of course!"
TBH: Mom, why were you making my favorite when you didn't even know where I was or when/if I would be home?
Remmy: "Lambchops and Rice-a-Roni? Man, you're weird!"
SL4: If you think that's weird, wait until you see how often he washes clothes.
Wade <eyeing Quinn's worried look> : "Quinn, IS that your favorite?"
HTWD: Get to the part with the wine on the floor!! Jesus God Almighty, how many more tests are there?
Quinn <hanging his head with a grim expression. Suddenly he raises his head and grins> : "We're back."
TBH: You mean Arturo, Wade, and Remmy are back. You're not going to be anywhere after they KILL you!
MM <watching them celebrate with confusion> : "Good thing I didn't mention dessert."
SL4: Then it would be ME dancing the happy-happy dance. :-P
<The Sliders are at the table, slamming.> Arturo: "Quinn, your mother's an angel."
SL4: I'll reserve judgment until I see her dessert."
Remmy: "Yeah, and the best cook in the world. Least the ones I've been too."
TBH: Of course, I ate at truck stops and bars all the years I toured, so that isn't saying much.
Quinn: "So, where are we going tomorrow?"
HTWD: Upside your head if you don't stop clowning around!
Quinn <responding to their looks> : "Just kidding."
SL4: Leave comedy to professionals before we have to hurt you.
Quinn <holding the timer> : "What do you think we should do with this thing?"
HTWD: I don't think you want me to answer that right now, with all the tedious "jokes" and tests you've made us endure.
Arturo: "Well, philosophy's never been my strong suit."
TBH: My strong suits are the ones that don't explode when I bend over.
Arturo: "But, I'll tell you this ... Einstein's always regretted giving the world atomic energy."
TBH: He doesn't regret it anymore because he's been taking a dirt nap for the last half century!
Arturo: "As Oppenheimer said, 'I have become God. Destroyer of worlds.'"
SL4: He was a little confused. Gods are able to create worlds too. One-trick gods are called "demigods."
Quinn: "But think of the benefits. Some worlds are bound to have outlawed war or cured cancer."
HTWD: I'll give you cancer, but how exactly do you import "outlawing war" ???????????
Arturo: "Yes, and some may have perfected war or created new cancers."
TBH: <mimicking Arturo>: Then again, some of them are bound to have discovered a way to cook duck properly. Let's go!
Wade: "Maybe that's why we should keep it a secret. If I found a place that was paradise, I don't think I'd tell anyone."
SL4: But then, I'm selfish and what I just said had nothing to do with the current point. Pray continue.
Quinn: "Well, I'd like to propose a toast."
HTWD: <raising and stretching> : Woo hoo! He's raising his glass!
Quinn: "To wherever you live..."
TBH: ... even Cleveland, I suppose...
Remmy: "... and whatever your struggle."
SL4: ... even if your struggle is with mendicants who interrupt your toast...
Wade: "To the Revolution."
TBH: Oh, they never did anything after Prince left! Why toast to THEM???
Arturo: "To the end of a journey."
HTWD: Oh yeah, and Voyager is gonna get home too, right?
<They all lift their glasses.>
SL4: Ooooo, glasses in air! Not long now!
<The front door opens.>
HTWD: Guess who's coming to dinner?!
Remmy: "I'm so glad to be back I almost won't even miss my car!"
TBH: You will tomorrow when you start crying about it again.
<Sound of footsteps. All eyes turn to the doorway of the dining room. Quinn's father appears in the doorway and walks up to the table.> Mr. Mallory: "Hey. Did I miss anything?"
SL4: Only about the last eight or nine years of your son's life on his world. That's all.
Quinn <looking shocked> : "Hello ... Dad."
HTWD: Who's laughing now, joke-boy? Next time, how about checking to make sure who lives in your house before you go pulling everyone's chain!
Mr. Mallory: "What's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost."
TBH: Considering that you're getting ready to be wearing red wine, I would kill the tired clichés and duck!
<Quinn closes his eyes in pain and his glass slips from his fingers, shattering on the floor.>
SL4: No, you fool! WHITE wine goes with a wood floor! You uncultured swine!
<The screen fades to black. SL4ever, Henry the Wonder Dog, and Timmy Big Hands rise and walk from the theater.>
SL4: That was a great movie.
TBH: Wonderful.
HTWD: It doesn't get any better than that on TV budgets.
Projectionist: Now wait a damn minute! You just spent the last two months TRASHING that movie! And now you say you liked it?
SL4: Loved it.
HTWD: Immensely.
TBH: A true classic.
Projectionist: Dare I ask how you treat an ep you DON'T like?
SL4: Ohhhhh, you'll learn all about THAT in a few weeks.
Projectionist: What do you mean?
SL4: >:-D
HTWD: >:-P ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TBH: >>>:-D ~~~~~~ !!!!!!
